I don't know why I do this to myself. I am really not enjoying the new series at all. I suppose there are tons of fans who suffered through Doctors that they didn't like. There's a ton of people who absolutely hate Russell T. Davies, his stories, and his Doctors. So maybe if I just keep suffering through all this bullshit I'll be rewarded with a new Doctor and better companions.
The episode begins with Rory and Amy driving through a cornfield - the TARDIS appears in the center of the field, and the Doctor is standing there holding a newspaper that shows a crop circle with the word DOCTOR. There's a line through the center of the word, and Amy and Rory tell the Doctor that they didn't do that part. Suddenly, a car comes plowing through and a black girl jumps out and points a gun at the Doctor.
It turns out that she is Mels, who has been a friend of Amy and Rory since they were small children. Of course, we'd never heard of her before now, so they had to go and show us a montage of Mels interacting with Amy and Rory. Seems Mels is a bit of a trouble maker, and she's on the run from the police, so she makes the Doctor take her into the TARDIS. She fires her gun at some point and sends the TARDIS out of control. It happens to land in Hitler's office. Surprise!
In the meantime, there are little miniaturized people inside of a robot thing that can assume the shape of anyone. They are there to kill Hitler, but realize that they're not at the end of his timeline yet. Well, Hitler attempts to shoot the robot, but hits Mels instead. And you'll never guess what happens? She regenerates! Into River Song! Holy crap!
Yes, it turns out that Mels is Melody Pond (which I'm sure no one saw coming a mile away). Amy explains that she had named Melody after her good friend Mels (whom we'd never heard of before, remember?) She attempts to kill the Doctor several times, but each time, he outsmarts her. Oh, except for the whole poisoned lipstick thing. So he's poisoned, River/Mels gets away, and Rory and Amy leave the Doctor to apparently die on the floor and go after her, and the robot with the tiny people goes after them. After all, River Song is wanted for killing the Doctor.
Meanwhile, the Doctor lays dying inside of the TARDIS and attempts to activate the voice interface. It first flashes to an image of him, but he says, "show me someone I like!" We then see Rose, followed by Martha and Donna, and the Doctor keeps saying that he feels guilty. He says that there must be someone he hasn't messed up, and Amelia appears. She tells him that he has 32 minutes to live.
River/Mels crashes a party and steals everyone's clothes. Amy and Rory find her, and so does the robot, who now looks like Amy (and is actually called a Teselecta). It miniaturizes them, they almost die, and then I'm not really sure what happens next. The Doctor arrives in the TARDIS, now dressed in a tuxedo, and Amy prevents the Teselecta from killing River. However, they are still determined to kill her, so Amy turns the robot against itself. All of the tiny people dematerialize, and the Doctor convinces River to fly the TARDIS into the Teselecta and rescue Amy and Rory. The TARDIS tells her what to do - it teaches her in a millisecond because she is "the child of the TARDIS".
The Doctor whispers something into River's ear and then apparently dies. River asks Rory and Amy why they keep calling her River. The Teselecta then takes on the physical appearance of River, and she is so moved that she saves the Doctor by pouring the rest of her regenerations into him. They take her to a hospital and leave her there. Back in the TARDIS, we see that the Doctor has downloaded all of the information from the Teselecta and has learned the date of his death. The last scene is River declaring that she wants to be an archaeologist.
Curiouser and Curiouser:
1) Why doesn't the Doctor just regenerate?
2) In The Impossible Astronaut, River tells Rory that she and the Doctor are living their time lines in reverse order - her past is his future. I can't remember which episode it is, but at one point she also says that when she first met the Doctor, she was a little girl and he knew everything about her. Also, if her past is his future, then we shouldn't be seeing any more of River Song, we should be seeing more of Mels, and that doesn't make sense. So make up your mind, Moffat - I don't care if they're going in opposite directions or if they can pop up all over the place in different orders, but be consistent.
3) How did Mels get from 1969 to the 1990's? How did she find a family to adopt her? Because she tore herself out of that suit and was wandering around by herself, remember? I have a hard time thinking that the Silence or Eyepatch Lady came back to get her and deposit her in bonny ol' England.
Dislikes:
1) First of all, when Amy and Rory were carving out the name "Doctor" in the cornfield, they made too many turns. Also, what the heck was written all over that paper that Amy was looking off of?
2) When the Doctor is dying, he gives Amy his sonic screwdriver. She uses it in the Teselecta, and it really looks like Amy is holding a glowing green penis. Seriously, I hate this new screwdriver.
3) Could they smack us in the face with River Song any more? Moffat spends so much time not telling us anything, and then he gives us almost her entire backstory in about 10 minutes. It seems so forced. It is time for River to go away. This soap-opery story is just getting ridiculous. It's now the Amy and River Show! I bet Moffat is kicking himself for killing River off in Forest of the Dead - he could have made her regenerate into Amy! TIMEY-WIMEY!!
4) Mels should have existed before now. Moffat had no idea that there was going to be a Mels, did he? To work her into the story now like this is insulting. Also, did anyone else notice that the first time Moffat introduces an important black character, she gets killed off almost immediately?
5) When the Teselecta replicates the German, he is able to replicate everything except the guy's glasses? What sense does that make?
6) I hated seeing Rose, Martha, and Donna. First of all, their appearances were simply publicity shots - they couldn't find any live footage? Second, this is the first time that Eleven has ever acknowledged their existence - he's constantly throwing around photos of himself as the First Doctor, but he never shows any of his previous companions. Was this really the time? I feel like this was just another slap in the face by Moffat - he wants to shut up the people who don't like Amy. Well, I will tell you something. There are a lot of people on fan boards who say that people who don't like Matt Smith or Karen Gillan need to get over David Tennant and Billie Piper. I'm sorry, but it IS possible to not like a character without being upset that another character is gone. I'm over it. I bet most fans are over it. It is highly insulting to suggest that I don't like an actor because he's not an actor that I DO like. It's not impossible to simply just NOT LIKE that person/character. The fact that Matt Smith isn't David Tennant has nothing to do with my dislike for him. The fact that Amy isn't Rose has nothing to do with the fact that I don't like her.
7) Moffat loves fucking with our minds about "is [x character] dead?" This is the third time that we think that the Doctor is dead. Enough already.
Likes:
1) Wow, Rory has balls!
2) No surprise here - I loved Amelia. The lines that she had in the TARDIS were fantastic - "for 31 minutes you will be fine. In 32 minutes you will be dead".
Since Moffat smacked us in the face with Rose, Martha, and Donna, here is a fantastic fan video I found on YouTube.
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